I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching this past week on life and everything else surrounding it. On Monday, April, 4, I will have been living for 25 years. I think of it as a milestone achievement. I have survived the toils of existence on Earth and I have lived to tell the tale. This may sound silly, but I know quite a few individuals in my life who did not reach 24, and that is a travesty. Sometimes, the thread of life is severed before us mortals believe it is time. Some who deserve life have it prematurely end, while others who keep their life do not deserve that extra time. But, that is the way of the world. Life ends and the living move on.
Back to my point. I will be 25 soon, deep into the journey of adulthood, so I began to think about how I view the world. I came to realize that I dwell on the past more than I would like to. I am constantly wondering if I have made the right choices in the past that I tend to miss out on the present. This doesn't mean that I live in the past, as some people tend to do. I don't believe I have made ALL wrong choices. I am fairly responsible now. I am back in college, gaining knowledge and stepping onto the path of enlightement. I married a woderful woman and work hard to make sure our marriage is strong. I have kept a job steadily for over six years. But still I find myself thinking...what if I hadn't slacked off in college the first go around? What would have happened if I followed my dreams and migrated to the west coast, tried my best to become a legitimate actor/director/writer? And on and on...
The truth is, I don't believe I ever truly grew up one hundred percent. I never fully escaped the cocoon of adolescence, bitterly trying to hold firm to that fleeting thing called childhood. I'm not saying I traipse around in my undergarments, staying up till God knows when playing the latest video game, making myself late to work in the morning. I am a responsible adult, for the most part, though there is still a bit of work I could do to better myself.
So, on the eve of my 25th, I shall let go of my past a little more, shedding myself of it (though not forgetting it) and keeping my feet planted firmly on the ground. I will always remember the deep depression I sunk into after dropping out of college. I will remember the hard lessons I learned when I decided to trust the wrong person. I will remember all of those lessons, and keep them close so I don't ever forget. "The child is grown, the dream is gone" as Pink Floyd will tell you, but it is ok to keep dreaming. I just won't carry the weight of the past with me into the future, allowing it to drag me down as I once did. I will cast them aside like a recently freed prisoner sheds his shackles and steps forth from the darkness of imprisonment.
I know, a little melodramatic. I will be the first to admit that. But that is who I am. I write, therefore I am and other mumbo-jumbo. To be truthful, I feel a genuine spark of excitement about this choice. It has been awhile, for I have refrained from making some choices out of fear. Fear that I would screw up as I have done in the past. I feel like this is an important step in learning how to trust myself again. Hopefully, I will succeed in this endeavor.
I had trapped myself inside the hole I had dug. I stuggled to get out, but the hole had other plans for me. Handholds would disappear, the walls grew slick. Falling deeper, I began to despair. A familiar emotion, despair; He and I are bossom friends. Yet I did not give in to his temtations. I adamantly pulled myself to the lip of the hole. I slipped, I fell. But I also ascended. All thoughts fled my mind but for one: I must not give in to despair. What seemed like ages passed by as I climbed. When I reached the top, I pulled myself over the edge of oblivion and laid to rest. I had deserved it. When I awoke, I began to survey my surroundings. I wealth of possibilities lay before me in a multitude of paths, each more different than the last. But I was loath to stray far from the hole. Even though it had caused me misery, I was comforted by its presence. After all, it was of my own design, the hole. I spent long hours wondering what was out over the broad horizon. In order to discover the mysteries of life, I would have to leave that soothing turpitude that was the hole. It was difficult, but I managed to push aside my paralyzing fear and move on, away from misery, away from the hole. Who knows what I may experience on this new journey? I have not all the answers to life. No one does. That is the beauty of it. Life is a mystery. One can plumb its depths and never find its secrets. But one can find solice in its beauty, and that is what I intend to do.
"I'm sowing the seeds I take for granted
This thorn in my side is from the tree I planted
It tears me and I bleed..."
- Metallica
"What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees."
- Nine Inch Nails
"Are you happy when you're standing still?"
- Jimmy Eat World
"There are stars in the southern sky
And if ever you decide
You should go
There is a taste of thyme sweetened honey
Down the Seven Bridges Road."
- The Eagles
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